Confrontation – wanting to, being able to, and not drowning in guilt after – is something I have been working on for some time now. I have been telling myself that I’m a zen person, that I like to walk the path of peace but the reality is that I’m quite a phatoo when it comes to any kind of confrontation. It’s taken me years to recognise that any confrontation brings out this deep (and sometimes irrational) fear in me and more often than not it signals the end of the relationship for me.
The thing is, I am poorer in relationships because of this fear, because of the inability to call people out, to tell them how I feel, by trying to be the ‘nice guy’. I am still some way away from where I want to be but I’m slowly inching my way forward and this is what I have experienced so far.
If you feel attacked take deep breaths and relax your posture – your brain will start functioning again as you relax and you will be able to deal better. Tell people how you feel – if the pattern continues feel free to drop them from your life. You don’t have to respond immediately if you don’t have a response, but you can respond later. You don’t need to let things be just because the moment has passed. Note that I am saying ‘feel attacked’, it is debatable whether a person is attacking you or not but how you feel is not in question. You feel threatened and that is your truth. Don’t stack-up the points and bring them up all at once because that could make the other person feel threatened, do it as and when it happens.
You don’t have to meet anger with anger or trade put-downs for put-downs because that way lies demons. You need to turn attention to yourself rather than focus on the other. The first step is always understanding how you feel. If you are feeling upset, take time to figure out why and give yourself the space you need. Give yourself space from the person if needed. Once you have the courage to face your fears, you have the courage to do anything. Courage is only possible when there is fear, else courage has no meaning. Fear brings out the courage in us.
There are many layers to this and the aftermath of the confrontation is the guilt that you may feel. I picture a little puppy here and how a puppy cringes with the slightest of anger. That puppy is the little person inside you that cringes and hides in the face of any such situation. Don’t do that to the little person inside you and don’t let the guilt make her cringe even more.
Sending you blessings for courage this week ❤